the poet in you

Here it is, the last day of March. Its days flew by. I half expect that I can look skyward to catch a glimpse of the last of the fleet-winged days making their way westward toward the setting sun. March is now past tense, living in the realm of was. Nonsense to think of the days as birds, I know, especially when we are rooted in the present like oaks, fixed in place.

March brought a few unexpected little gifts - simple things really that could have gone unnoticed. One was that while listening at length to an elderly customer vent about her husband, she, out of confusion no doubt, ended the conversation with "Okay, I love you honey, goodbye." It was just one of those endearments that I am sure she said to her daughter thousands of times. It was not really intended for me but I was taken by surprise and quite liked it. I confided to my co-worker that I "kind of liked it". Well, it's better than what we usually get she reminded me. And yes, that much is true. Now when this customer calls and is speaking to a co-worker I playfully whisper, "Tell her that I love her". I wish I could and don't know why I can't other than it's just not what we do and it would seem weird. We just don't go around telling our acquaintances that we love them. But, it was nice to hear and even now, two weeks later it makes me smile and feel all warm inside.

I received my second little unexpected I love you from the director at the Mahamudra Centre in New Zealand. She (or he) emailed just a few days ago. I was reminded that working with animals can be a wonderful thing. I was also given a few recommendations for meditation books. The first was a book titled 'How To Meditate' by Kathleen McDonald. She is a Buddhist nun and has been for years. Her book is reprinted often so is very up to date. I did purchase it and am enjoying it.

The second book is by Paul Wilson. I believe the title is 'The Calm Technique'. It sounds like there are no references to Buddhism in his books. He has a few different titles out, I looked them up on Amazon. So I received a few book recommendations and  at the end of the email Ven. Nangsel wrote, "...and lots of love to you". Maybe I am especially needy this week, maybe it was just being in the throes of PMS that made me respond the way I did, with warm fuzzy feelings tingling from head to toe. I am not desperately seeking I love you's, I have been my same bristle-y and fairly surly self lately but both times I responded the same. Gasp! How strange! Hmmm.....I kind of like it.

My advice for April is to scatter a few I love you's around and see what springs up. And read a poem for heaven's sake, it's National Poetry Month!!! Hopefully I will do much better posting poems for you all this year. Last year was dismal on my part.

Have a goodnight, little darlings. Sleep tight, stay warm and remember, I love you.

may my heart always be open to little

birds who are the secrets of living

whatever they sing is better than to know

and if men should not hear them men are old

may my mind stroll about hungry

and fearless and thirsty and supple

and even if it's sunday may i be wrong

for whenever men are right they are not young

and may myself do nothing usefully

and love yourself so more than truly

there's never been quite such a fool who could fail

pulling all the sky over him with one smile

-e.e cummings
100 Selected Poems
New York: Grove Press, 1994

If I didn't know an better I'd guess that our friends in the Southern Hemisphere have only recently been introduced to the internet, or maybe just the convenience of buying online. I've had a major influx of orders from Australia and New Zealand over the past six to eight months.

Last week I received an order for one of the few books on Buddhism that I have listed. It was going to the Mahamudra Centre set in the Colville Valley on the Coromandel Peninsula, North Island, New Zealand.  Defeated by curiosity, I spent a good chunk of time going over their website. Not only is it beautiful, I think it's the photo that looks down into the valley that does it for me, but it looks so serene. I would like to spend a quiet day there. The whole place reminds me a little of Lost but without all of the time warp and mind fuckage.

I sent an email to my customer thanking him for his order and expressing my desire to diminish in size and flatten out so I could slip between the pages of his book and travel with it to his location. He probably thinks I'm crazy and have too much time on my hands. And really, when I think about it, the truth is that I'd go stir crazy after about 48 hours. It would probably happen much sooner than that but the max would  be 48 hours. I'm going to have to settle for a hammock suspended under the trees in our side yard.

My life in a nutshell: work a few hours a week at vet clinic, visit the dentist, sell/buy books, ship books, knock some ideas around in my head concerning the gardening that I am not doing. Today was devoted to the dentist. The root canal overfill problem turned out to be no problem although it has made for what seems to be an impossibly long and drawn out root canal. 

I was immediately numbed up and while the nerves deadened the dentist went on to visit Stan, an elderly gentleman also  scheduled at  the same hour. From what I could tell, Stan bit into something and broke his tooth and/or filling. This is what he had told his wife. Once he was seated in Dr. M's chair he began to change his story. I'm guessing this was fear induced. He claimed that the tooth really didn't bother him too much now. Uh-huh. I'm also guessing that he complained and complained to his sweet little wife until she couldn't take it anymore so she called and made an appointment. She even came to the dentist with him. My husband did not accompany me. He stayed home to paint and Google recipes. At any rate, after a very brief look-see, Stan was sent on his way, shaking in his boots, no doubt, at the thought of his next appointment. Now it was my turn.

"You mean Stan got to go home already?" was the first thing I could muster. It really sounded a lot more like, "Ooo meee Stan gohome aredy?"

"Why? Do you want to go home?"

I said yes, but really the thought of navigating through traffic with a numbed up jaw and half completed root canal was enough to keep me seated. I never expected that the "build-up" would take a full hour. I sat there gaping at the ceiling, alternately trying to focus on my breathing and wondering what kind of dental madness celebrities have had to endure. Oddly, I wondered about David Foster Wallace but very quickly remembered that he had his own madness to contend with, never mind the dentist. I just don't know what to think about while I'm sitting there. Sex? No, no, no, no, no. That's a definite jinx. Then what if I started thinking about the root canal while I was having sex? That would be totally messed up. I can't help but wonder what the dentist is thinking about. What is he thinking about? Is he bored? Is he totally focused or thinking about his lunch? Or sex? My god! What if he's thinking about sex?! There's no way. I tell myself firmly, "Make your mind a complete blank". That's the ticket. Blank.

I didn't get home until well after two and I'd had nothing to eat all day. I started a loaf of Honey Wheat bread before I left for the appointment. I'm glad I did. Such a simple pleasure, to walk through the front door and into the aroma of freshly baked bread. Warm and soft. That's what I'll think about during my next appointment - freshly baked bread.

What a beautiful week here in Austin. It's sunny and in the low to mid 80's. That's my kind of weather right now. I need it. You'd think it would keep my motor running but I've been exhausted the last two days  with very little to show for it.

I did manage to write that About Me page for Ebay that's been a monkey on my back. I don't even know why I was so determined to create that page. I don't see a whole lot of sellers that use it but when I come across a small bookseller with inventory similar to mine, I like to see what they're about. Maybe I'm nosy but I like to know what motivates them, where they are, how long they've been at it. And I feel that I owe it to people to introduce myself, to show my face and let them know who they are doing business with.

I have been buying a lot more inventory and I've really focused on weeding out old stock. It's slow going but I think it's made a difference. I have turned into a bit of a guerilla donator. I don't want my old stock to show up where I'm buying new stock from so I am always on the lookout for out of the way thrift shops or drop boxes. I found a fantastic little donation kiosk in the Home Depot parking lot on Monday and was able to unload several boxes of books. It felt good to clear out my car and to buy herbs and potting mix afterwards.

Out with the old and in with the new as they say. Soon I should have some little shoots of nasturtium flowers coming up and a planter full of fragrant herbs. I think that the first day of Spring is on Friday and it's already looking good.

When it comes to things that you do not want to hear your dentist say halfway through your root canal, "Uh-oh" easily makes it to the top of the list. My inclination is to joke during stressful moments but I dare say, this is not so easy with a gobs of bloody cotton, sharp metal objects and an over-sized hairy fist in my mouth (I write that at the risk of my blog getting hit by fetishists).  After the "Uh-oh", instruments were cleared away and the xray arm was pulled into place. Xrays at the dentist are so fast, it takes no time at all to develop and before you know it they are on the light box.

I asked the dentist what happened and he said, "I'll tell you in a minute".  The suspense was killing me.  Eventually he said, "This isn't what we like to see". Evidently, what they don't like to see is when they have made a mistake and gone right through the canal and drilled into the jawbone and placed the posts there. It was clear as day on the xray. And strangely? I wasn't so worried about it. The things that came to mind were that 1. this could not have been the first time this happened and 2. I watch a lot of tv and I know that people walk around with all sorts of things lodged in their bodies - bullets, cherry pits, arrows, pencil lead. At least the post was sterile and really, it didn't look that bad to me.

But  now he wants to wait to  finish the root canal. He wanted to wait a couple of months but I told him I didn't want to wait that long. We'll wait three weeks. We'll see how it goes. He said it might be tender and so far the only tenderness I have is my jaw muscle. I think he was worried because he said that one time he went through the canal and into a woman's sinus cavity. It's turning into one of these things where I really like him but I am having second thoughts about sticking with him. But I hate change. I hate change enough to be okay with having foreign material lodged in my jawbone, enough to risk having my sinus cavity drilled into. Really. This is how much I hate change right now. I will eventually overcome this, just not yet.

Crazy dream last week. The images keep popping up - I was a book! I was a book and all of these hands were reaching for me, reaching out trying to grab me. I ran, spine up, and wobbled away with surprising speed. I darted into a cornfield so I'd be hidden but the tall stalks swayed and waved my whereabouts to the fingers. I jumped a freight train, hobo-style. I just couldn't shake that hand. It was a high anxiety situation. I felt like I was Cary Grant in North By Northwest.

When I told my co-worker about the dream the next morning she asked if I was wearing a dust jacket. I told her No, I think I was naked!